(Originally published on Man Repeller June 2016)
Hello, [applicant’s name]!
Thank you for your interest in a position with L.E. Hook, LLC.* While not expressly hiring at the moment, we are always on the lookout for qualified applicants. (If you do not work out we will reference the above disclaimer with a kind but clear “I’m just not really looking for a relationship right now, ya know?”)
Congratulations on making it to the initial interview stage. This means you are handsome, have a 30 Rock quote in your profile, or, if the CEO was three beers deep and letting her friends swipe, seem like you “might be a great guy!” The board welcomes you.
A little about our ideal candidate:
YOU: know how to properly load a dishwasher (the CEO does not).
YOU: have a working knowledge of first aid care
YOU: are in favor of nine-hour Netflix marathons and snacks that mean business
YOU: are Greg Olsen, but in an old-timey lumberjack outfit
Here’s some information about the CEO the board thinks you will find helpful:
Her biggest pet peeve is when people say they love Harry Potter but have not read the books. She is, as we speak, contemplating a third day of dry shampoo instead of a shower. The CEO will, without question, spill coffee on your carpet.
She loves talking politics, even if you are diametrically opposed. A spirited debate gets the CEO razzed like a vodka Redbull (which, by the way, you should not let her order). She vacillates between party girl and bookish introvert — a Biden/Obama situation, if you will. Her heart seems crusty on the outside, but is surprisingly gooey on the inside, like a Peep found three months after Easter.
A word of advice from the board:
Due to a deep-seated insecurity and fear of rejection, the CEO will not make it totally clear that you are her candidate of choice for this position. It is up to you, the applicant, to make your willingness to accept clear, but not, like, stage-five clinger clear, as this will make the CEO immediately claustrophobic and terminate the interview.
The board has tried to reason with the CEO that this method is grossly ambiguous and harmful to long-term profits. All of the board’s efforts thus far have failed, and you are as likely to be axed for one wink emoji as you are for never texting in the first place.
Now, you might be thinking, “Who is in charge here? Head? Heart? Stomach?” or “Is this one of those trendy startups where napping is encouraged?” (Yes.). The board knows this is a complicated business model, but really, the CEO wants what everyone wants: to see, be seen, and be held close during Game of Thrones.
Please don’t read our reviews on Glassdoor.
*We are not actually an LLC. The CEO picked at her split ends and took Buzzfeed quizzes during her college finance courses. If you must know, we are more like a shell corporation for a shady but mostly legal overseas venture.